Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Out Out Damn Spot!
This woman in the bafroom just washed her hands like she had just committed murder... Thinking someone accidentally got poopy on herself...
Monday, November 14, 2011
Potty Diary Has Spoken
The Most Clever Mommy Blogger Award for the week of July 11th, 2011 goes to Pooping in Peace!!!!
**Crowd goes wild**
Friday, September 30, 2011
Hellooooo!
Still here...Still waiting for some innocent woman to head into the potty room and give me some goodie good ish to write about...mwahahahaaaa
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
#72: Bruce Leakin' Out
Dear Potty,
Did I ever tell you that one time in karate class when I was younger, I tooted like 3-4 times in the middle of one of the tests? I couldn’t control it!
Needless to say I was messing with a belt after that, but it wasn't a black one.
Sincerely,
Bruce Leakin' Out
Sincerely,
Bruce Leakin' Out
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sisters
I love this blog so very much. It's some of the best photography around and I LOVE that he mentioned poop. Gotta love poop. Poop insults...poop talk. POOP!!!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Dear Potty │ 71
(via text)
Dear Potty,
Only you would appreciate this...Thought I could slip a silent fart out in the lunch room. I stand corrected.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Let it Flow
Dear Potty,
Yesterday I attended an event for Pinterest. These cool chicks we met asked what kind of blog I wrote. A smirk escaped as I started explaining to them how the Potty Diary came to be. You'd think girls would squirm and find away to get a way from the weird girl with the poop issues, but I find ladies love the loo!
They started talking to me about their own corporate job bathrooms and how the people who frequented them were weirdos with weird tee tee ticks too.
Everyone should feel comfortable talking about the potty. That's how I feel. One day the world shall be potty mouth open and my butt shall sing with joy.
Yesterday I attended an event for Pinterest. These cool chicks we met asked what kind of blog I wrote. A smirk escaped as I started explaining to them how the Potty Diary came to be. You'd think girls would squirm and find away to get a way from the weird girl with the poop issues, but I find ladies love the loo!
They started talking to me about their own corporate job bathrooms and how the people who frequented them were weirdos with weird tee tee ticks too.
Everyone should feel comfortable talking about the potty. That's how I feel. One day the world shall be potty mouth open and my butt shall sing with joy.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
#69
Dear Potty,
Why is it that the public bathrooms in airports are so darn fast?! I swear I have to basically leap with cheetah speed to avoid the poop/pee spray that accompanies an automatic flush and that's just not cool, man...not cool.
Why is it that the public bathrooms in airports are so darn fast?! I swear I have to basically leap with cheetah speed to avoid the poop/pee spray that accompanies an automatic flush and that's just not cool, man...not cool.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
#68
Dear Potty,
I just farted in front of my nemesis' cubicle at work. I feel vindicated! Totally recommend doing that if you're having issues with someone. It's not like they can go to HR or anything...
I just farted in front of my nemesis' cubicle at work. I feel vindicated! Totally recommend doing that if you're having issues with someone. It's not like they can go to HR or anything...
#67
Dear Potty,
I was just in the bathroom and heard a woman making pooping sounds...quite different from the garden variety water runny stuff. It sounded like she was popping bubble wrap. You know, the stuff that comes in a shipment...well she got a shipment of last night's dinner LOL!
I was just in the bathroom and heard a woman making pooping sounds...quite different from the garden variety water runny stuff. It sounded like she was popping bubble wrap. You know, the stuff that comes in a shipment...well she got a shipment of last night's dinner LOL!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
#66
Dear Potty,
Wouldn't it be great if a woman walked into a public bathroom to change her tampon, sat down and then said, "Blood shall spill!"?
Or she sat down to pee and sang, "Let my peepee gooooooooo"?
I think if that were to happen I'd shat my pants.
Wouldn't it be great if a woman walked into a public bathroom to change her tampon, sat down and then said, "Blood shall spill!"?
Or she sat down to pee and sang, "Let my peepee gooooooooo"?
I think if that were to happen I'd shat my pants.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
White Flag
When you walk out people will stare and wonder what in the world you could have been doing that demanded that kind of privacy.
You nasty, self-conscious pooh-hider.
Euphoria
Dear Potty,
There's nothing better in the world than struggling with little deer-pellet pooplets for days and days and finally winning the battle with a big, fat, HUGE poo.
Sincerely,
The 5-pound lighter woman
There's nothing better in the world than struggling with little deer-pellet pooplets for days and days and finally winning the battle with a big, fat, HUGE poo.
Sincerely,
The 5-pound lighter woman
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Crunches
Truly awesome way to get out the gas that is painfully stuck in your bawd...crunches and sit ups. It takes everything in my power not to blow something beautiful out when someone's spotting me during my butts and guts class.
Try it the next time gas is plaguing your delicate sensibilities.
Try it the next time gas is plaguing your delicate sensibilities.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Potty Putty
Yeeep, I really did receive this as a gift and yes, I am playing with that ish at work. Talk about a stress reliever! Thank you Diva Dara for this lovely gift.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Easter
Easter time means Easter eggs. Easter eggs mean Easter egg eating. Easter egg eating equals Easter egg farts that will have one exclaiming, "The stink has risen!"
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Get in There!
Dear Potty,
I just heard a woman in the bathroom stall saying, "Get in there." I think she was talking to her tampon. :-(
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Heavenly Underwear
...And no I'm not talking about Jesus panties. I'm talking about panties that keep the poots at bay. Glorious invention!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Butt Band
Somehow I must have swallowed both a flute and a tuba, because my butt was seriously creating some symphonies up in the bafroom today!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Smooth Operator
Have you ever had one of those joyful poos where you're not even really pushing...No effort at all and then you look down and see a beast chillin in the pool? I swear it's like little slut puppy poops. (No effort enjoyment...with just a tiny bit of messy drama at the end.)
Brushing Teeth in Company Bathroom: Gross?
Feel bad that I'm pooping while someone's brushing their teeth in the company bathroom but...When in Rome.
;)
;)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Mad Scientist
Someone should really come up with a machine that determines what you ate to make your toots smell the way they do. Whatever I ate...OMG.
Roundabout Poo
Dear Potty,
When I was younger I would sneak my boyfriend in my room at night. He would wake up early and leave before my parents woke up. One night I woke up and noticed my boyfriend climbing out of my window. I got up and watched him walk on the side of my house and disappear. 10 minute later he returned. That next day I went to the side of the house where he had disappeared to see what he had been doing and that's when I saw it...
Boxers and POO! Yes, he had taken a dump on the side of my house and then whiped his arse with his boxers! I had to remove the stinky evidence from the scene of the crime so that my parents wouldn't find out. (It would have been bad if he was caught sleeping in my room, but it would have been a GAZILLION times worse if they found out I was dating a weird poo dumper. No pun intended.)
I spoke to my boyfriend that evening and asked him if he had really been shatting on the side of my house. He looked at me like I was crazy and said yah like it was nothing. And no, I did not break up with him.
Sincerely,
Cousin
When I was younger I would sneak my boyfriend in my room at night. He would wake up early and leave before my parents woke up. One night I woke up and noticed my boyfriend climbing out of my window. I got up and watched him walk on the side of my house and disappear. 10 minute later he returned. That next day I went to the side of the house where he had disappeared to see what he had been doing and that's when I saw it...
Boxers and POO! Yes, he had taken a dump on the side of my house and then whiped his arse with his boxers! I had to remove the stinky evidence from the scene of the crime so that my parents wouldn't find out. (It would have been bad if he was caught sleeping in my room, but it would have been a GAZILLION times worse if they found out I was dating a weird poo dumper. No pun intended.)
I spoke to my boyfriend that evening and asked him if he had really been shatting on the side of my house. He looked at me like I was crazy and said yah like it was nothing. And no, I did not break up with him.
Sincerely,
Cousin
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Thank You!!!
I just wanted to say thank you to all the folks who have sent in pictures and stories for me to share with the world. You make my little shatty life shine.
Tootles!
The Potty Princess
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Butt Pirate
Argghhh, I’m a pirate
I wear a patch on my butt
To keep out fudgelings
Ever heard of a fudgeling? Yeah, me either but it sounded like something that belonged in that particular haiku.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Mimicry
Dear Potty,
My child just approached me and said, "Look Mom! My poo looks like a chili pepper!"
My child just approached me and said, "Look Mom! My poo looks like a chili pepper!"
The Potty Pull
Dear Potty,
Today my coffee kicked in pretty urgently so I got to the bathroom, handled my business. I was happy with the body cleanse that ensued, but then it happened...The potty kept pulling my butt back for more action. I ended up being in there for AT LEAST 20 minutes. Potty pulls are the worst because you think you're done, then you stand up and WAM! Intense serious poot pangs hit and you feel like your world as you know it is ending.
Today my coffee kicked in pretty urgently so I got to the bathroom, handled my business. I was happy with the body cleanse that ensued, but then it happened...The potty kept pulling my butt back for more action. I ended up being in there for AT LEAST 20 minutes. Potty pulls are the worst because you think you're done, then you stand up and WAM! Intense serious poot pangs hit and you feel like your world as you know it is ending.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Deuce Date
Dear Potty,
My boyfriend recently told me he had to go take a deuce and that made him feel better. It was only after the words were out that I saw him freak out. He had spoke before thinking...opening up to his new girl with some major TMI. Priceless moment. Do you think it would be weird to have a deuce anniversary date to commemorate the sweetness?
My boyfriend recently told me he had to go take a deuce and that made him feel better. It was only after the words were out that I saw him freak out. He had spoke before thinking...opening up to his new girl with some major TMI. Priceless moment. Do you think it would be weird to have a deuce anniversary date to commemorate the sweetness?
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Pretty Girl and Her Pretty Terrible Stench
Dear Potty,
So...I have had the bubble guts all day and after a couple hours of crossing my legs to hold in the poots I decided it was finally time to give birth. Initially, I just went into my work floor's bathroom thinking it would be quick and painless. After a few nastay stanky poots I figured this called for a visit to a different floor. -1 is the place I go because my nastay poos can be anonymous, where I can just make all the noises I want, and no one will be able to link the stench to me. So I hiked up my skirt, held my gut and hoped I didn't let out anymore poots on my way down to my safe haven. When I got there, I quickly scanned the stalls for feet, I was safe. I started to let out the most rank poots and green little baby poos compliments of my kale smoothie from earlier. After about ten minutes of poo heaven I felt like 5 pounds lighter, no more baby belly. I immediately sent the Poo Princess an email and told her of my adventures. She was pleased.
(And I am!)
Send more stories! :)
So...I have had the bubble guts all day and after a couple hours of crossing my legs to hold in the poots I decided it was finally time to give birth. Initially, I just went into my work floor's bathroom thinking it would be quick and painless. After a few nastay stanky poots I figured this called for a visit to a different floor. -1 is the place I go because my nastay poos can be anonymous, where I can just make all the noises I want, and no one will be able to link the stench to me. So I hiked up my skirt, held my gut and hoped I didn't let out anymore poots on my way down to my safe haven. When I got there, I quickly scanned the stalls for feet, I was safe. I started to let out the most rank poots and green little baby poos compliments of my kale smoothie from earlier. After about ten minutes of poo heaven I felt like 5 pounds lighter, no more baby belly. I immediately sent the Poo Princess an email and told her of my adventures. She was pleased.
(And I am!)
Send more stories! :)
Poop Whisperer
Dear Potty,
I was plopping away in the work bathroom when this woman who was handling her own silent biz decided not to be so much silent anymore.
She started whispering to her poop! I have experienced a poop whisperer and I'm surprised to say it stopped me in my pushing tracks...a first, I'd say!
I was plopping away in the work bathroom when this woman who was handling her own silent biz decided not to be so much silent anymore.
She started whispering to her poop! I have experienced a poop whisperer and I'm surprised to say it stopped me in my pushing tracks...a first, I'd say!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Target, Target, Target...
You got some splainin' to do, Target!!!
 |
| Looks like someone missed out on that poop stage Freud was talking about... |
Saturday, March 26, 2011
From My Mother...
I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas...
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
A Shy Bubble Gut'er
Dear Potty,
I have this weird thing with grapes. I like grapes, but I'm hesitant to eat them. It all started in high school. I was at my boyfriend's house and we grabbed some snacks...I ate ONE grape and BAM! I had the bubble guts. I started freaking out and told my boyfriend I didn't feel well and needed his mom to take me home immediately. So I'm in the backseat of his mother's car CLENCHING my butt cheeks together PRAYING that nothing happens before I make it into the house. When she finally pulls up to my place I say thanks and start to open up the door while she's still moving. I wave and walk briskly into the house and sprint to the potty. I made it just in time. Felt better about 10 minutes later and then paged my boyfriend and asked if his mama could come and pick me back up. Hee hee...
Sincerely,
Cousin
I have this weird thing with grapes. I like grapes, but I'm hesitant to eat them. It all started in high school. I was at my boyfriend's house and we grabbed some snacks...I ate ONE grape and BAM! I had the bubble guts. I started freaking out and told my boyfriend I didn't feel well and needed his mom to take me home immediately. So I'm in the backseat of his mother's car CLENCHING my butt cheeks together PRAYING that nothing happens before I make it into the house. When she finally pulls up to my place I say thanks and start to open up the door while she's still moving. I wave and walk briskly into the house and sprint to the potty. I made it just in time. Felt better about 10 minutes later and then paged my boyfriend and asked if his mama could come and pick me back up. Hee hee...
Sincerely,
Cousin
Potty Rules from Gangsta Mom
So I have all kind of potty rules...
Like I can only play with my phone until I'm about to wipe and then she must go away, but I can't put it in my pocket cause what happens if when I'm pulling up my pants it pops out and falls into the toilet???
Sooo... If I'm not wearing a jacket, into the bra it must go until hands have been washed and then it can come out hopefully before someone sees me pulling my cellphone out of my bra...
Like I can only play with my phone until I'm about to wipe and then she must go away, but I can't put it in my pocket cause what happens if when I'm pulling up my pants it pops out and falls into the toilet???
Sooo... If I'm not wearing a jacket, into the bra it must go until hands have been washed and then it can come out hopefully before someone sees me pulling my cellphone out of my bra...
Monday, March 21, 2011
Multitasker
Dear Potty,
I once threw up all over myself. Then, when trying to get up out of bed, I shat my pants and then I slipped and hit my head on the window frame...That is skill right thur!
Sincerely,
Mama Multitasker
I once threw up all over myself. Then, when trying to get up out of bed, I shat my pants and then I slipped and hit my head on the window frame...That is skill right thur!
Sincerely,
Mama Multitasker
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
A Mother's Discovery
Dear Potty,
I think my son's stinky toots are the result of me introducing him to solids. They are naaaaaaaasssssssstttttttyyyyyy!!! Can you do a scratch and sniff post?
Sincerely,
A mama who's rethinking breastfeeding
I think my son's stinky toots are the result of me introducing him to solids. They are naaaaaaaasssssssstttttttyyyyyy!!! Can you do a scratch and sniff post?
Sincerely,
A mama who's rethinking breastfeeding
Match Intuition
Dear Potty,
Do you think people know why I'm jumping up and down with glee when I score a book of matches at a bar? It's not cuz I smoke or collect the things...It's because they're a gal's best friend when she's laid a stinker and a half in the bafroom.
Do you think people know why I'm jumping up and down with glee when I score a book of matches at a bar? It's not cuz I smoke or collect the things...It's because they're a gal's best friend when she's laid a stinker and a half in the bafroom.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Question
Wondering what works best for ya'll...Twitter updates or the blog updates. I've been twarting (That's tweet farting for all of the slow ones in the house) a lot lately. Don't know what's snazzier. I'm sooo not good at building hype or any of that. I just want to get the world talking about butts and stuff :)
Simple enough, right?
Simple enough, right?
Monday, March 14, 2011
Poop Water Splash
Dear Potty,
I think the scariest thing in the world is when you're sitting down on the potty--fresh poop floating around--and you go to flush; only to be sprayed by poop water splashing up and out. I have to jump up beforehand and press my body up against a wall to avoid the germ spray.
~A concerned dry booty
I think the scariest thing in the world is when you're sitting down on the potty--fresh poop floating around--and you go to flush; only to be sprayed by poop water splashing up and out. I have to jump up beforehand and press my body up against a wall to avoid the germ spray.
~A concerned dry booty
Sometimes Fresh Isn't Always Better...
I can't stand it when you walk into the restroom and their is someone washing their hands and you're trying to figure out which stall they just used so you can avoid it like the plague.
I try to avoid freshly used potty whenever I can.
~G.M.
I try to avoid freshly used potty whenever I can.
~G.M.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Dear Potty,
When I first met my fella he was the most perfect non-smelling guy I'd ever met. He would shyly ask to use my bathroom...for a number two... and I'd prepare my nostrils for the funk of all funks only to find fresh, clean pure air. It was the oddest of things, really. I thought I'd found the perfect pooper. I don't know what happened to him. Maybe his diet changed. Maybe his perfection contract expired, but now whenever he hops out from the bathroom, a funk follows him out to wherever I am and singes my nose hairs with foul smell. How can that be?! What happened?! He swears up and down he wasn't spraying some magical odor-eliminating heaven into the air beforehand. He swears he's not doctoring up the funk now. I have no clue what's going on with the man's butt, but I want some answers.
When I first met my fella he was the most perfect non-smelling guy I'd ever met. He would shyly ask to use my bathroom...for a number two... and I'd prepare my nostrils for the funk of all funks only to find fresh, clean pure air. It was the oddest of things, really. I thought I'd found the perfect pooper. I don't know what happened to him. Maybe his diet changed. Maybe his perfection contract expired, but now whenever he hops out from the bathroom, a funk follows him out to wherever I am and singes my nose hairs with foul smell. How can that be?! What happened?! He swears up and down he wasn't spraying some magical odor-eliminating heaven into the air beforehand. He swears he's not doctoring up the funk now. I have no clue what's going on with the man's butt, but I want some answers.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Potty Gossip
Dear Potty,
My cousin needs to come out of the bathroom! She still refuses to admit, discuss or even mention to her boyfriend of 9 years that she poo's so she times it for when she takes showers...So even one evening when they were in bed messing around (and she had to go) she couldn't tell the truth. She jumped out of bed, ran to the restroom and yelled that she had to take a shower now. Sad...
My cousin needs to come out of the bathroom! She still refuses to admit, discuss or even mention to her boyfriend of 9 years that she poo's so she times it for when she takes showers...So even one evening when they were in bed messing around (and she had to go) she couldn't tell the truth. She jumped out of bed, ran to the restroom and yelled that she had to take a shower now. Sad...
Potty Rant
Friend just Pinged me with:
I'm trying to go potty...Enjoying the emptiness of the restroom and playing on my phone and WHAT happens?!?! This B strolls in and decides she wants to hold my effing hand and use the potty right next to me...REALLY?! I'm a big girl. I don't need company...Jeez totally ruined my sanctum of relaxation.
I'm trying to go potty...Enjoying the emptiness of the restroom and playing on my phone and WHAT happens?!?! This B strolls in and decides she wants to hold my effing hand and use the potty right next to me...REALLY?! I'm a big girl. I don't need company...Jeez totally ruined my sanctum of relaxation.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
A Conversation
B: Anyone who adores cupcakes and cashmere together can't be mean...now there are some others..I just don't like.
Me: Like poop and heat?
Me: Like poop and heat?
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
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