Thursday, March 31, 2011

Deuce Date

Dear Potty,

My boyfriend recently told me he had to go take a deuce and that made him feel better. It was only after the words were out that I saw him freak out. He had spoke before thinking...opening up to his new girl with some major TMI. Priceless moment. Do you think it would be weird to have a deuce anniversary date to commemorate the sweetness?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Pretty Girl and Her Pretty Terrible Stench

Dear Potty,

So...I have had the bubble guts all day and after a couple hours of crossing my legs to hold in the poots I decided it was finally time to give birth.  Initially, I just went into my work floor's bathroom thinking it would be quick and painless.  After a few nastay stanky poots I figured this called for a visit to a different floor.  -1 is the place I go because my nastay poos can be anonymous, where I can just make all the noises I want, and no one will be able to link the stench to me.  So I hiked up my skirt, held my gut and hoped I didn't let out anymore poots on my way down to my safe haven.  When I got there, I quickly scanned the stalls for feet, I was safe.  I started to let out the most rank poots and green little baby poos compliments of my kale smoothie from earlier.  After about ten minutes of poo heaven I felt like 5 pounds lighter, no more baby belly.  I immediately sent the Poo Princess an email and told her of my adventures.  She was pleased.

(And I am!)

Send more stories! :)

Poop Whisperer

Dear Potty,

I was plopping away in the work bathroom when this woman who was handling her own silent biz decided not to be so much silent anymore.

She started whispering to her poop! I have experienced a poop whisperer and I'm surprised to say it stopped me in my pushing tracks...a first, I'd say!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Target, Target, Target...

You got some splainin' to do, Target!!!

Looks like someone missed out on that poop stage Freud was talking about...

Saturday, March 26, 2011

From My Mother...

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas...

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A Shy Bubble Gut'er

Dear Potty,

I have this weird thing with grapes. I like grapes, but I'm hesitant to eat them. It all started in high school. I was at my boyfriend's house and we grabbed some snacks...I ate ONE grape and BAM! I had the bubble guts. I started freaking out and told my boyfriend I didn't feel well and needed his mom to take me home immediately. So I'm in the backseat of his mother's car CLENCHING my butt cheeks together PRAYING that nothing happens before I make it into the house. When she finally pulls up to my place I say thanks and start to open up the door while she's still moving. I wave and walk briskly into the house and sprint to the potty. I made it just in time. Felt better about 10 minutes later and then paged my boyfriend and asked if his mama could come and pick me back up. Hee hee...



Potty Rules from Gangsta Mom

So I have all kind of potty rules...

Like I can only play with my phone until I'm about to wipe and then she must go away, but I can't put it in my pocket cause what happens if when I'm pulling up my pants it pops out and falls into the toilet???

Sooo... If I'm not wearing a jacket, into the bra it must go until hands have been washed and then it can come out hopefully before someone sees me pulling my cellphone out of my bra...

Monday, March 21, 2011


Dear Potty,

I once threw up all over myself. Then, when trying to get up out of bed, I shat my pants and then I slipped and hit my head on the window frame...That is skill right thur!


Mama Multitasker

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Friday, March 18, 2011

A Mother's Discovery

Dear Potty,

I think my son's stinky toots are the result of me introducing him to solids. They are naaaaaaaasssssssstttttttyyyyyy!!! Can you do a scratch and sniff post?


A mama who's rethinking breastfeeding

Match Intuition

Dear Potty,

Do you think people know why I'm jumping up and down with glee when I score a book of matches at a bar? It's not cuz I smoke or collect the things...It's because they're a gal's best friend when she's laid a stinker and a half in the bafroom.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Twarts (Tweet + Fart)!/ThePottyDiary


Wondering what works best for ya'll...Twitter updates or the blog updates. I've been twarting (That's tweet farting for all of the slow ones in the house) a lot lately. Don't know what's snazzier. I'm sooo not good at building hype or any of that. I just want to get the world talking about butts and stuff :)

Simple enough, right?

Monday, March 14, 2011

Potty Love from another Mutha

Pooping is Good!

Poop Water Splash

Dear Potty,

I think the scariest thing in the world is when you're sitting down on the potty--fresh poop floating around--and you go to flush; only to be sprayed by poop water splashing up and out. I have to jump up beforehand and press my body up against a wall to avoid the germ spray.

~A concerned dry booty

Sometimes Fresh Isn't Always Better...

I can't stand it when you walk into the restroom and their is someone washing their hands and you're trying to figure out which stall they just used so you can avoid it like the plague.

I try to avoid freshly used potty whenever I can.


A Poo-Tastic Birthday Bash

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Dear Potty,

When I first met my fella he was the most perfect non-smelling guy I'd ever met. He would shyly ask to use my bathroom...for a number two... and I'd prepare my nostrils for the funk of all funks only to find fresh, clean pure air. It was the oddest of things, really. I thought I'd found the perfect pooper. I don't know what happened to him. Maybe his diet changed. Maybe his perfection contract expired, but now whenever he hops out from the bathroom, a funk follows him out to wherever I am and singes my nose hairs with foul smell. How can that be?! What happened?! He swears up and down he wasn't spraying some magical odor-eliminating heaven into the air beforehand. He swears he's not doctoring up the funk now. I have no clue what's going on with the man's butt, but I want some answers.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Rude or Totally Me?!

Ever So Popular Toots In
Dear Potty,

Last week when I was in the bathroom some lady was on the phone with a collection agency in stall #2. You could hear her getting all crazy and loud and ghetto with the collector. Then I heard her say, "Oh, what? That's nothing...just a toilet flushing." Ha ha!!! What a weirdo!
Dear Potty,

I just taught my International lover how to courtesy flush...Dude had no idea what that meant.

Potty Gossip

Dear Potty,

My cousin needs to come out of the bathroom! She still refuses to admit, discuss or even mention to her boyfriend of 9 years that she poo's so she times it for when she takes showers...So even one evening when they were in bed messing around (and she had to go) she couldn't tell the truth. She jumped out of bed, ran to the restroom and yelled that she had to take a shower now. Sad...

Potty Rant

Friend just Pinged me with:

I'm trying to go potty...Enjoying the emptiness of the restroom and playing on my phone and WHAT happens?!?! This B strolls in and decides she wants to hold my effing hand and use the potty right next to me...REALLY?! I'm a big girl. I don't need company...Jeez totally ruined my sanctum of relaxation.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Dear Potty #3:

Ole girl I know blows OUT her butt in the bathroom and then comes out smiling...No shame in her game. That's gangser.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Dear Potty #2

Gal sounded like she was launching underwater rockets! Her toots were hella juicy and were echoing at the same time. I laughed so hard I tooted lol. she hurriedly wiped and ran.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Dear Potty #1

Woman has sneezed and farted simultaneously. This has in turn made me laugh and toot simultaneously. Tooting karma is the best!